Week 19: Effortless Accountability

I could have titled this post, “I always keep my promises”. It is 4 am on Monday and I am awakened out of sleep as surely as if the sun was bright outside. We are in the last days of the waning moon, so darkness is all around me. I put my weighted rice bag on my eyes, repeat my mantra that connects me to my Maker, and confidently await that sweet return into the enfolding warmth of sleep and restoration. Nothing!

Instead, fear and doubt threaten to suffocate the seedling of my plan of continuous action. The potential catastrophes, should I continue on this route, stack up in my imagination: My marriage will fail, my work obligations will be neglected and I’ll be fired, I’ll neglect my daughter’s signs and cries for help and she’ll end up in critical condition, my real dream of creative work with physicians will abort. There is just too much to do, too much to do, and I’ll never pull it off!

Deep breath, now. As I follow the breath, and silently sing my sound, I recognize Fear talking. Fear can be a tool, Davene said on Sunday…I am really late in doing my week 19 post. This is week 20 material. All of a sudden, my eternal self: that small still voice which one day manifests as my Future self is clear: Embrace fear with love. Maintain Harmony within. How can I touch this fear waking me up at 4 am with love?

Take action?

The thought is so startling in its simple common sense, that I find myself getting out of bed, putting warm layers on and stepping out into my work room. When the old blueprint is in the throes of death, and we are serious about it, having created a master mind that is jointly responsible to carry out the continuous plan of action, of course fear will come as an attendant to this further proof that death indeed is here. We weren’t kidding two weeks ago. We are moving forward resolutely with the new plan, the new birth.

And in the midst of this new life, if I haven’t kept one of my promises, like not yet written my week 19 post and we are on the third day of week 20, that only adds to the fuel of fear’s fire. Is that what I really want?

So here I am, typing, fear ebbing away as surely as the tide, with each paragraph.

Week 18: Peace

It was difficult for me to choose what to write about, that could capture this week’s journey. It was that kind of week: elation, one day; fear and insecurity the next. When I spoke about this with one of my friends, she observed, “it sounds like a birthing process.” Bingo! Those were magic words for me: I could feel pieces clicking into place inside.

Last week I wrote about experiencing the death of the Old Self, the false self. So often have I heard death described as a birthing process. Furthermore, once the old blueprint dies, the hero must be born, another birthing. What? Did I expect that the Hero would be born all in one piece fully grown, skilled, and mature?! I guess at some deep level, I did. Because, when it occurred to me that the week that I could not succinctly describe or encapsulate, could be described as waves of contraction giving birth to a hero in baby form: i.e. small, dependent, a bit dazed and even confused, I could feel inside myself the confirmation: “Yep. that’s what it was all right.”

Knowing that I was in the throes of giving birth to myself, the new blueprint self, the self with authenticity, filled me with peace. I wish I could tell you the logic behind this; but I can’t. It simply just felt like I was now aligned and aligning with what I have always desired. And that filled me with happiness. One day I was illumined with the realization that I’m in the midst of birthing. The next morning I wake up with unshakable peace.

Not a peace marked by everything is amazing and great. But a peace in the face of “the messiness of life has not changed.” Something in me has changed so radically that I look at every former irritation as something to be grateful for. Something with which I join in full harmony, because as I deepen this joining, I am led more effectively to the lesson to be learned, the skill to be gained, the oneness with Spirit I seek.

And the more I chose to be grateful, the more peaceful I became. It still baffles me, even as I deeply appreciates it.

Week 17HJ: Death

It’s hard to think of what to write in this swing week calling us to the Hero’s Journey. I love the concept of the Hero’s Journey, liking the ego’s image of being a hero, perhaps decorated, receiving the acclaim of a wide audience. But both during the webcast and throughout the week, that image of the hero got systematically dismantled. And as I awaken this morning with a freshness like grass bathed in dew, I cannot say that I am sorry.

In fact I could shout it from the rooftops: Hey! I am happy that I allowed myself to die!!

Except that this place I’m in is a very very quiet place within. Maybe I can shout it from the rooftops within! Energetically, as I write, that is what it feels like in my body.

Back to the week, not having a single lesson to focus on, having all these days of choice, totally threw me for a loop. Here come the contradictions again: by that I mean that part of me bemoans that I was thrown for a loop, the other part celebrates that I did not know that the focus on one lesson and the absence of choice grounded me and oriented me to such a degree. Guess what? I can return to that structure this week with renewed and deepened appreciation. This from a woman who started this course eighteen weeks ago with a profound sense that structure and written plans were like a suffocating prison! Talk about transformation. Maybe I AM on this Hero’s Journey and the Old Self indeed has died.

So everything fell apart, or so it seemed. I read my DMP, sometimes read Og, sometimes engaged in flipping through the cards, lost my sense of eating heathy and well, fell behind in my work obligations, somehow fell off the wagon of assigning specific hours to the main thing in building my business. It looked as if in all areas of my life, I was a mess!!

Throughout, I was guided by this image that I was undergoing stages of death. These are stages of death, I kept telling myself. Don’t take them seriously; don’t fight them. Maintain harmony and move through them. Everyday there was some one thing I was faithful to. Like never before did I look in the mirror with such love and intensity as I read Gal in the Glass. Or one day it was overwhelming recognition of kindness and my virtue of the week which was courage. Another day it was service to my family.

And then finally, last evening leading into today, it was this amazing peace, this sense of relying on the Person Within. This pulling back from having to have my energy result from the approval of people outside myself. I could actually sense the direction of the energy flow reversing. So there I am : a new person in the making. I feel as fluffy and fragile as a newborn chick at times…But there is no doubt: I have crossed the threshold

Week 17: Concentration and the real substance of things

I have just returned from a conference in my spiritual community: and I am filled with such overflowing gratitude, for both the strength and depth of this spiritual teaching and my spiritual community AND the direction that the Master Key Lessons are taking me in.  It happened around week 14: I fell in love with the lessons. One seems deeper and more critical than the other. Not critical as in go to the Emergency Room critical. No. Critical as in “I feel as if my heart and life have just been reset to a more happy and functional and ecstatic setting” Now, who can argue with that?

It is a wonder to me that we spend one week on the Lesson and one month on Og’s scrolls. Now don’t get me wrong: I love Og as well. In fact up until week 14 it was Og’s scroll that captured my weekly writing heart. It takes about one month to absorb Og’s wisdom and gift and integrate it into body and heart and life. How much more so with Haanel’s Lessons?!

Week 14 was about my all-time favorite from the beginning of this journey: build the harmony within. And then there was developing insight. I mean imagine being given the tool to practice insight. Haanel does not tell us how: he just says “sit” (I feel like a dog, sometimes) and welcome this skill into yourself. BE still and allow it to come to you! And then “develop the mental attitudes that matches the thing you desire”. And this week, concentrate and discover the real substance of the thing you desire. Because if you only focus on the thing, it will turn to ashes: I did not need any further motivating force.

Since I have chosen to attend the Go90Grow live Event, and I definitely intend to be in integrity when I attend, I have a deep desire to put into practice speaking to 25 people per week and getting 20 people to say yes to looking at my opportunity. As much as that clear desire makes my being vibrate –and yes it is in my revised DMP, and in that trusted document, I do it not just one week but for 12 consecutive and consistent weeks–as much as it is clear and it consumes my thoughts, I became clearer and clearer as the week progressed that that desire was the thing, the symbol.

And I began to sit with an unquenchable curiosity, the same “burning fire that irritates my spirit” that Og speaks of in this month’s scroll–What is the True Substance of wanting to have fulfilled this commitment of speaking to 25 people every week for twelve weeks?

Questions are better than answers, right? I may have believed this intellectually before. But this week, the experience imprinted itself in my cells. I have never wanted to come to a sit with such joy, and anticipation, and deep desire to sit and to deepen the repose physical mental, and emotional. What is it? What is it? I could feel my cells asking and looking and orienting themselves to receive the wisdom of both the sit and the question.

I never did receive a coherent answer. But now, I don’t want one. The quality of my sits have undergone a quantum jump and I like that experience much more than any answer that could satisfy me intellectually or otherwise. It is the search that matters, not the destination…and I am hooked!

Week 16: Kindness

I thought I might be original and comment on the lesson or Og, this week; but the tsunami of reactions and healing from the practice of random kindnesses and the power of the mastermind is too powerful, too full of dynamic flow to ignore.

When it was announced on our weekly webinar that we were to do two acts of kindness “and not get caught”, I was immediately transported to a memory of twenty five years ago. That particular year, the theme was spiritual healing and our spiritual guide had suggested the exact same exercise –but for the year! I was then a young bride: past the honeymoon, but not yet adorned with maturity–and the hardest place to practice kindness, random or hidden or not–was toward my husband!

Surprised at the vivid quality of the feelings of shame and inadequacy still inhabiting this memory, I decided right then and there that my week of kindness was dedicated to finding ways to be lovingly, tenderly kind to myself and to my husband. How I would hide them from these two recipients was a mystery to me–but it felt like a fun challenge.

Welcome difference number 1 –compared to 25 years ago: I did not feel that my moral worthiness hung in the balance of performing these acts. I welcomed the BEing kindness that Mark J invited us to; and I felt that it would be fun to see if I could pull off “not getting caught”. But I had no charge on it.

I discovered fun nuances: I did the dishes with kindness in my heart rather than resentment or complaining that “he never does his own dishes” (a distortion of reality, by the way) . And then, in the middle of doing the dishes, an insight came to me that I could put away the dry and clean dishes to create room for my husband to do some dishes, if he wanted to. The empty space in the dish drainer welcomes the washing of dishes and makes it easy. And it might be an opportunity for him to feel good because he was contributing.  I had never thought about the sharing of the tasks with respect to dishes quite that way. I created the space! And guess what? I did not get caught!

I remember turning off the light “that he always leaves on when we go to bed” so he would not have to get up out of bed to turn it off, after getting all comfortable and warm (It is ten to twenty degrees BELOW zero at night these weeks in Minnesota winter) And I didn’t get caught then either!

I remember unconsciously staying up an extra hour past midnight one night mindlessly shaving off dead, hardened skin on bottom and sides of my feet, getting gently scolded by my loving hubby calling me to “come to bed already!” And it wasn’t until the next morning, that it dawned on me: “Oh, my! I was being kind to ME!” So I didn’t catch myself there either –except six hours later!

The best return of this wonderful exercise and global concentrated energy: Our home and relationship is swimming in a warm glow, gentler atmosphere and we might be falling in kindness with one another all over again–or perhaps for the first time!