“For your exercise this week, you will concentrate on Harmony.” Sweet! I say to myself. I could be described as a harmony junkie. From the beginning of this class, I could easily get lost in that overpowering deep relaxation of all muscles and thoughts that I associate as being the definition in me of harmony. It is the ultimate DMP. To live like that, from that space of blissful flow and alignment with all that is: what more could I desire? And what fulfilled desire could be worth having, if that harmony within and without went missing?
All this to say, that I thought I had this week sewn up: life was bliss; my exercises and readings were almost doing themselves, my motivation was at an all time high. I was tasting happiness! And then came New Year’s Day. Out of nowhere, everything my husband proposed to do, felt immensely irritating to me. Then he and our daughter went out, and forgot to inform me when they decided to alter their plan to be home for a mid afternoon family dinner. Totally out of proportion to the situation, I was furious! In the midst of my fury, I could no longer hear my body’s messages for what it wanted to do, or eat, or drink. The smooth path creating an inevitable road to success through small repeated daily actions all of a sudden resembled a thick forest. I had lost my way.
In the dim fog, I knew the addiction peptides were at work! Yet I was trapped. After all these practices at letting go of negative thought and resentment, I was a bear hugging the kettle so tight to my chest, that there was no chest left! And still I fumed.
Until…until by the grace of our repeated tiny habits, I stumbled on gratitude. “I am grateful for this pain and resentment,” I murmured. It was so foreign and unexpected, I mentally found myself choking and coughing. “say what?” said the addicted cells. I am grateful for creating this misery, I repeated, gaining some force and momentum from repetition. I don’t know what this is; but gratitude for it has got to be better than what I am doing.
And out of another set of recessed pockets: “I am conscious of nothing but harmony.” I can and I do choose to be in harmony with these apparent failures and defects of character. If I am conceived out of love–and when I am sane, I know this to be true–then there is love hidden in here somewhere. And I am in harmony with that love. And I deny anything else.
36 hours later…36 hours of feeling the rise of unexplained anger at every little thing, and choosing harmony at every turn, I awaken this morning once again in the sea of bliss and of an easy harmony. I know that I have had a run-in with the addictive blueprint. I also know that instead of throwing up my hands in defeat and justification to return to an old way of life, my exercises and 4 tiny habits allowed me to experience the wave of the old blueprint as a layer of it on its way out. It was a major detox!
Am I done with the old blueprint? Probably not. But with each victory, the next struggle will be less difficult. Anyway I deny struggle. I ride in harmony the waves of deepening self-love and creativity which all apparent struggles bring to me.