Week 19: Effortless Accountability

I could have titled this post, “I always keep my promises”. It is 4 am on Monday and I am awakened out of sleep as surely as if the sun was bright outside. We are in the last days of the waning moon, so darkness is all around me. I put my weighted rice┬ábag on my eyes, repeat my mantra that connects me to my Maker, and confidently await that sweet return into the enfolding warmth of sleep and restoration. Nothing!

Instead, fear and doubt threaten to suffocate the seedling of my plan of continuous action. The potential catastrophes, should I continue on this route, stack up in my imagination: My marriage will fail, my work obligations will be neglected and I’ll be fired, I’ll neglect my daughter’s signs and cries for help and she’ll end up in critical condition, my real dream of creative work with physicians will abort. There is just too much to do, too much to do, and I’ll never pull it off!

Deep breath, now. As I follow the breath, and silently sing my sound, I recognize Fear talking. Fear can be a tool, Davene said on Sunday…I am really late in doing my week 19 post. This is week 20 material. All of a sudden, my eternal self: that small still voice which one day manifests as my Future self is clear: Embrace fear with love. Maintain Harmony within. How can I touch this fear waking me up at 4 am with love?

Take action?

The thought is so startling in its simple common sense, that I find myself getting out of bed, putting warm layers on and stepping out into my work room. When the old blueprint is in the throes of death, and we are serious about it, having created a master mind that is jointly responsible to carry out the continuous plan of action, of course fear will come as an attendant to this further proof that death indeed is here. We weren’t kidding two weeks ago. We are moving forward resolutely with the new plan, the new birth.

And in the midst of this new life, if I haven’t kept one of my promises, like not yet written my week 19 post and we are on the third day of week 20, that only adds to the fuel of fear’s fire. Is that what I really want?

So here I am, typing, fear ebbing away as surely as the tide, with each paragraph.